Yeah, she's cute isn't she? Really cute! Adorable, precious, beautiful, blah, blah, blah. Don't fall for it.
Let me ask you this. Have you ever seen a crocodile do the death roll? You know, when they grab their helpless prey and barrel roll them under water until they die. Have you ever walked a crocodile through Walmart? While they are doing the death roll? What?! That only happens on reality television you say?
I am here to tell you that crocodiles disguised as cute, adorable toddlers are real!!! I can only say this with the absolute faith and certainty of one who has lived to tell the tale. This epidemic is sadly under reported and believed to be only mythical because of the incredible skill the crocodile has at transforming into an utterly heart melting sweetie pie in the blink of an eye (see picture above).
So here is me in Walmart today. Starts out great. 4 year old is riding in the cart seat all strapped in and smiling. For a whole 38.2 seconds. Then the wiggling starts. Next the flinging happily from side to side. Finally the vice grip pull on my arms that nearly lifts the shopping cart off the ground accompanied by the warning growl.
Out of the cart and onto my hip. Again, this lasts about 38.2 seconds. For some reason that is a magical number for crocodile children. Then she starts to show her true colors. Spinning, rolling, flailing, swinging, kicking, flinging, flapping, grabbing, pulling, pushing, pinching. All the while emitting the gleeful giggle of destruction.
Her favorite maneuver? The Chinese splits in mid air while I'm walking down an aisle. This crocodile has REALLY long legs. I have never been so thankful that a store was in the middle of a remodeling project. It was already a mess so they probably didn't notice a couple of aisles cleared by a crocodile, right?
Now I am pretty certain that this is the point at which I may end up on "People of Walmart". In order to keep the crocodile from destroying the whole store and finish grabbing all of the items I so deludedly thought I needed, I pulled the potato sack trick on the crazy little she croc. This she croc has a special fondness for being upside down and it has a nearly mesmerizing effect, nearly . So over my shoulder she went, hanging down my back by her knees. And that is how we finished our shopping. Thankfully she was not in a biting mood.
In all seriousness, I discovered what triggered the "crocodile" behavior when we got to the check out. I set her down on her feet just in front of the cart because we were waiting for people in front of us. Now mind you, we have been working very aggressively with her in physical therapy to encourage walking. The minute her feet hit the ground she grabbed the shopping cart and started stepping and pushing the cart! She was a wobbly mess, but she knew for certain what she wanted to do and nothing was going to stop her. She nearly ran over the lady in front of us - lol!
Just remember, the next time you see a mother apparently losing her mind in the grocery store or department store chances are she has a crocodile child. Have mercy on her and offer to push her cart or something, for crying out loud!
If you still don't believe in the existence of crocodile children because your own children are perfectly submissive and obedient at all times then I am pretty sure that simply proves the existence of aliens:-)
