Off Topic

Generally this blog is meant to be about Lily and our adventures with Lily. But tonight I am going to use it to explain myself, mostly because this is the easiest route to reach so many of you that I care about and that care about me.

Over the last couple of months I have been on a crusade to figure out why I have been so stinking tired and worn out lately. To make a long story short the crusade led me to an endocrinologist who discovered I have an enlarged nodule on my thyroid. This is very, very common, especially in women. However, as with any enlarged nodule found any where in your body, it must be checked for cancer. I had a biopsy done this morning I will find out later in the week what the results are.

Mike very lovingly told me tonight that my attitude toward this whole ordeal may seem to others to be cold, uncaring, or seemingly unresponsive to the threat against my mortality. He held a mirror up for me to see myself as others may be seeing me, and I have to agree with him, that I am probably not clearly communicating my thoughts and feelings in a way that allows others to understand how I have come to deal with this. In most cases I haven't been communicating at all and this will be the first most of you are hearing of this.

If you were to ask me how I feel about this my general response has been "It is what it is." or "There's nothing to worry about until I get test results.". That's it, end of story.

Seems simple and straightforward to me. But apparently this isn't the reaction most people are expecting.

Let me begin by saying there have been so many times in my life when I have wept and cried and worried and wailed over things I was afraid would happen. And they never did. Then again, sometimes horrible things happened and I was entirely unprepared. This resulted in me feeling cheated out of my entitled to moaning, wailing, and gnashing of teeth - NOT!

I didn't feel one bit cheated. Over time I came to realize that the real cheating and stealing that was going on in my life was happening when I would spend countless hours, days, and weeks worry over things that I couldn't do anything about.

When Mike got sick, oh so many years ago now, I realized that every minute that I had him in my life was precious and that if I was going to have him for 6 more months or 60 more years, I didn't want to spend that time constantly worrying and fretting.
Now don't get me wrong, I still worry and have anxiety about all kinds of things every day. I am not some super woman who has everything under control. But I know who does. God has a perfect plan for my life, He sees the future, He has everything under control.

Have you ever had a passenger in your car start freaking out because they thought you, the driver, were going to hit or run into something? But because you were in the drivers seat you had a vantage point that they did not so you knew everything was going to be o.k. I am the passenger in this car ride called life. I have no idea where I am going or how to get there, but my Driver knows and I trust Him completely. The unexpected places He has taken me so far have been incredible and breathtaking. The route He took to get me to those places were not of my choosing but I would not undo one single twist or turn. What more amazing and incredible places might He take me if I quit trying to grab the wheel away from Him?

Psalm 62: 5-8
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my might rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.

It is very, very doubtful that I have thyroid cancer. But even if I do God has a plan to use that in my life in some amazing way if I just let Him.

For those of you who feel better with statistics, 80% of thyroid nodules are non cancerous. Thyroid cancer is curable by removal of part or all of the thyroid.

Forgive me if my responses seem short, cold, or irreverent. They are not meant to be. In addition my clinical, practical, pragmatic approach to this situation, I very uncomfortable with being comforted, especially for something that I don't think I need to be comforted over. I appreciate the support of all my friends and family, but don't expect me to come cry on your shoulder right now. Not enough information yet. In the mean time I am just planning on loving every minute with my precious daughter and awesome husband, friends, and family.

Love, Jennifer